Hello, Halli!

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The Yearly Mirror: 1st Ed

A reflection on X years of life #

My notebook, everyday reminding me why my life sux sometimes
My notebook, everyday reminding me why my life sux sometimes

Happy belated birthday, self.

How are you? I can see that you’re feeling worse for wear lately. Is it old age? Is it regrets from missed opportunities that keeps piling on? Is it from running in place years after years?

Maybe you should learn, you know. Drop some of those baggage that aren’t even yours. You’re not even walking straight with your own baggage on your shoulder; stop trying to help others with theirs.

And quit trying to please everyone. You’ve been saying this to yourself for the last 10 years, fucking actually do it for once. People are greedy. No one will ever be Truly Pleased. You’d do one thing for them, then suddenly they’d need another. It’s never gonna end unless you end it. So end it.

Why is it that you can only truly and openly be a bitch to yourself?

Also, stop saying you’re nice. It’s not really nice if you do something nice for someone but whine about it inside your head. You’re a bitch and you know it. Just be like one. Maybe stop caring so much about what people think of you, and stop overthinking the message you want to send or the words you want to say. Maybe actually live.

Anyway, enough scolding. Why is it that you can only truly and openly be a bitch to yourself? Some other people deserve it more than you do. Give them what their shitty personalities fucking deserve.

I think you’re doing fine, if you forget what society expects from you and what you expect from yourself. You’re not causing anyone trouble — physically, mentally, financially. You’re even helpful, sometimes. So congrats on that.

You’re good enough.

You follow rules, you don’t cut in line, you’re polite. Most of the time, anyway. So most of the time, when people hate you, it’s probably on them, not you. You’re an OK kid. You’re good enough.

You also have it easy in life, don’t you think? I know you feel this when people ask you about your life milestones. I remember people have repeatedly commented along the lines of “how can I live like you” and “I wish I have your life”. Sure, no one knows you that well to actually want your life, but it’s kinda true. You got one hell of a smooth ride. Stop feeling guilty for not being more grateful about it, and like.. just be grateful about it? I don’t know.

Now be happy. Live.

See you next year.

— Although knowing you, there won’t be another edition of this, you’re really bad with commitments. But I’ll say it anyway. Maybe next year you’re someone new.

Originally on Medium

—Halida |